There is someone I love

 

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There is someone I love

and she’s the only one.

She is not one of those

one-in-a-million girls,

there’s only one of her kind

and that is her,

that is my love.

 

I have written

more than a thousand words

about her,

for her,

and have said

more than thousands of times

“I love you”

“I love you” to her.

But it never seems to be enough,

there’s always that feeling

of writing few more words,

of saying it few more times.

One heart I’ve given to her

I wish I had more to offer.

 

I wish I could tell

the whole world

about my love

and the beauty she is

but I like the secrecy

because she’s a keeper.

 

I’m not gonna let

the world know

who she is

because it will try to

steal her from me

and killing the entire world

is not something I can afford.

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It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay.

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It’s okay
It’s gonna be okay
At least that’s what
My heart tells me
But when I see inside my soul
It’s far far away from me

Okay is
Just a bottle of whisky,
A pack of cigarettes,
A good pen,
And a bunch of pale papers.
I can buy okay
Half of it is costly
Other half is cheap
But not permanent
It doesn’t stay with me.
Maybe
Something is wrong with me
That’s why
Okay doesn’t feel okay with me
Or maybe I hurt okay too much
That’s why it stays away from me.
Again
It’s okay
It’s gonna be okay
At least that’s what
My heart tells me
But when I see around myself
It’s far far away from me.

In my bar
There’s no bartender
Only a dozen broken tables
And plastic chairs for seats
It’s ugly and depressing
Sad, bleak, daunting, disheartening.
Maybe that’s how they sell more of it
Sometimes warm
Sometimes chilled.
I personally like it warm
and melting
Coldness is not
one of my virtues..
Sometimes some tear drops
Roll down my cheeks
Tiny little fuckers
Of no fuckin’ use.
Again
It’s okay
It’s gonna be okay
At least that’s what
My heart tells me
But when I hear the mournful sound of it
I know it’s far far away from me.

– Sudhanshu Chouhan

Just you and me

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You know
Sometimes I say things
That I don’t mean..
Sometimes I say things
That I mean
But I’m not sure of..
Sometimes I can’t say
What I mean..
And sometimes
I can’t say anything at all..
Sometimes I feel
I’m really here.
Sometimes I feel
I wish I were there.
Sometimes I feel
How would it feel
Not being here…
Not being there…
Away from the colors
Not being anywhere.
On a second thought,
maybe somewhere.
Where nothing exists..
Nothing big, nothing small
Where there’s no sign
of anything at all.
Just vaporous souls
of you and me..
Entangled.
Enthralled by
no destiny.
Where there are no walls,
not a single gate.
Where no one
writes our fate.
Just osculating souls
of you and me..
Entangled.
Enthralled by
no destiny.

-Sudhanshu Chouhan

I miss her

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She’s in the tears
in my eyes,
She’s in the muteness
on my lips,
She’s in the pain
in my heart,
She’s in the sorrow
on my face…

She’s there
I know she’s everywhere.
I made her upset
I know
I’m imprudent.

I can’t think
of not thinking about her.
I can’t breathe without
missing her
every moment.

-Sudhanshu Chouhan

Pandemonium

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We live in a rat’s nest
all the time restless.
In the ever increasing entropy
it’s all just infinite chaos.
And I’m a squeaky sound
in the symphony
the universe is playing.
I’m a crazy one.
I’m a hazy one.
I should be damned
from this world.
I should be condemned
from this world.
This world
is too good for me,
for my thoughts
and my reality.

I walk ahead of them
they pull me back,
I walk behind them
they laugh at me,
I walk with them
they push me away.
I try to want to walk with them
but they don’t want me.
Why,
they’re all so confused!
–ugly holes in the fabric of
my reality,
morality.
They make me feel happy
to be a mortal;
what good is it
to live in a world
which doesn’t want to
change?
And they all want change.
I don’t.
I want them to continue
like this
and write the manuscript
of their own doom.
I don’t care
I’ll be gone soon.
In a millennium or two
they’ll all die too.
Morally, they are already
almost there.
There’s too much of
unused love
rotting in the pens of poets.
There’s too much of abhorrence
evolving
in the heads of gunmen.
There’s too much to hurt
too much to save.
Empty hearts
and empty graves.
I’ve been hurt
and I fight with it
to not let it turn
into lawless hate.
Guess I was too late.
Too much
I try
Too much
I feel
And there is too less
Time to heal.

-Sudhanshu Chouhan

My loneliness

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My loneliness is very beautiful,
it looks like you.
A little bit like me
but more like you.

My loneliness,
like wax,
keeps on melting
in the furnace of time.
I collected it,
moulded into a figure,
its face
looks like your face.
Not mine.
Only there’s no heat in its breath.
Only there’s no light in its eyes.
Only there’s no sound in its laughter.
Only there’s no truth in its lies.

I don’t wish
to win you anymore.
I can live like this.
I will live like this.
Just tell me once
does your loneliness
also
look like me?

-Sudhanshu Chouhan

A Scruffy Liver At A Bar

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Reality really sucks.

Sucks harder than my ex-girlfriend.

Several times I’ve thought of…

I’ve thought of

putting it to an end.

Drove it to the edge

but there’s no fun in that.

I still have some bottoms to hit,

still have some unpaid debts.

You see…

Life is

death wrapped in time.

Happiness is

monotony swaddled in sugar.

God is

but Satan drunk on wine.

And love…

Love is

pain draped behind pleasure.

I’m letting the reality

to grow on me

to beat me

while I ripe.

I’m at this bar

Oh fuck the rhyming!

It is killing

my Bukowskian vibe.

-Sudhanshu Chouhan

To the one who can’t love me…

I have been in love before but never felt like this.. this is new love.. Dedicated to her, the one who doesn’t hate me but can’t love me..

I first got my heart broken

when I was twelve,

wasn’t quite the age

in something stupid to delve.

First time it broke into two

second time in a few

third time in millions

and fourth time in billions.

I couldn’t care less

about picking the pieces.

You know, it hurts.

But I’ve got addicted to

A certain kind of sadness

A certain kind of pain

And

my senses ready to burst.

I wish

I choke on my love for you

and die

without blinking an eye.

I know you wouldn’t mind

‘coz you’re the devil in disguise.

I want you to live my life

the way I live it for you.

I want you to see you

through my eyes.

I want you to be me for a day

and see how painful it is to love you.

You’ll see my words are not lies.

– Sudhanshu Chouhan

Like a red sheet of gooey mirror

 

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A paint drop dripping down my canvas

In conversation with gravity.

Moving towards the numb wooden floor

Showing some ecstatic audacity.

 

Smooth like a cat — making no sound

Possessing a sporadic figure.

Warming the ground, spreading on brown

Like a red sheet of gooey mirror.

 

Watching this sight, the paintbrush’s laughing

Unaware of its own vague nature.

But this drop is colour-blind, only sees red

Its nature is unlike creatures.

 

My canvas is crying but I can’t help

It hurts me because it’s all mine

If I scrub the floor and a stain is left

I’ll know the drop has lived just fine.

-Sudhanshu Chouhan

I see the shadows of lives around me.

Kandinsky_WWI

I see the shadows of lives around me.

Silence of the lifeless better than sounds of oxygen.

Chaos more euphonious than ingenious compositions.

 

Tranquil water more potent than tumultuous torrents.

Fogs more animated than unblemished heavens.

 

Abstracts more striking than quiet straight lines.

Struggles more promising than effortless accessions.

 

Autocracy more energetic than dumb democracy.

Herds more organized than pitiful parliament sessions.

 

Poor man’s feet nattier than rich man’s shoes.

Prostitutes more virgin than souls of politicians.

 

Enemies more honest than forbearing friends.

Breakups more edifying than reckless relations.

 

Objectivism more disciplined than arid altruism.

Atheism more righteous than religious obligations.

 

Books more valuable than unsalable capitals.

Humanity more important than colour of generations.

-Sudhanshu Chouhan

Picture: Composition VII—according to Kandinsky, the most complex piece he ever painted (1913) (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Kandinsky_WWI.jpg)